Silence isn’t Defeat

I’ve been very quiet lately. That’s one drawback of being an extrovert. My coworkers and others have been asking me if I’m OK—because I’m not as chatty or energetic. When I’m tired, I’m quiet.

I’m quiet because I’m trying to process in my mind. I feel exhausted, frustrated, and grieving.

It’s been an intense, depressing time. It was hard to process everything. I feel disgusted, angry, betrayed. How could I have been an idiot and bought into this religious garbage? I desperately needed answers after coming out of a bad situation. I was also only 18 and very vulnerable.

Yet, I also feel more affirmed, relieved, and glad that I left the evangelical “Christian” world several years ago. About 10 years ago, I no longer wanted to be part of that institutionalized religion anymore.

I left. I lost many people who I thought were friends. Occasionally someone runs into me on social media and gives me this vague, “Oh I’ve been thinking about you…praying for you?” Oh great, I appreciate it. I just nod, say thanks, and then move on. But, I didn’t matter before. Sending me a message that’d take less than a minute wasn’t convenient to you? You want to fix me, because you assume things based on what you see superficially or based on rumors. I find it amusing and sad. There is such a superficial understanding of what it means to reach out to someone.

I noticed that toxic religion has this narcissistic-codependent dynamic. Narcissists want to use God’s name to justify control and building their personal kingdoms up while using people. Codependents use God’s name to be controlled and have a narcissist do all the thinking for them. Let them be part of this unhealthy tie. I don’t want to be part of it. I have never met so many codependent women in one place. Codependency happens both ways, but more likely to be women. Our culture seems to encourage and socialize women to be codependent. Yep, being a “good Christian girl” means being seen not heard, agreeable, smiling, pleasantry and happy-clappy perkiness, allowing people to walk all over me, hold myself back to not hurt a wimpy male ego, and being quiet and not causing waves or trouble. How convenient—but for whom?

Truthfully, I feel much more peaceful after exiting “evangelical” circus. I haven’t been part of it for the last several years. I have no idea who the religious celebrities are or the newest trend doctrine or idea. And, I simply don’t care.

In fact, I’m experiencing the power of spirituality and freedom in Christ AFTER leaving that evangelical Pharisee country club. It’s ironic how the old religious cult that I used to be part of was very fearful of the secular world. However, the most problematic spiritual issues were in that religious culture bubble, which were conveniently ignored.

I honestly feel very betrayed, depressed, and angry. I simply don’t want to go to a church anymore. I’ll piss people off with my last statement. But why should I have to worry about pleasing people. I’m simply done. If you don’t like my statement, you have the choice to no longer be part of my life journey. I’m not responsible for how you feel or react. If this offends you, that’s not my concern. 

And, I guess you can call it post-traumatic church experience. Going to church brings up too many painful memories, manipulation, deception, and traumatic experiences.  I’m fed up with how it’s an ideal environment for narcissists. 

Everyone loves to talk and tell me how I got it wrong. They think it’s their job to fix me. I’m fed up with self-righteousness. I’m fed up with all the gaslighting. I’m fed up.

No, I’m not just talking about the elections. At least, it’s a gentle reminder how fucked up the world can be.

I’m thankful for a wonderful husband. I can tell him anything without being made to feel like a moron. He is there for me emotionally. I cried on his shoulders while he held me  close. His loving touch was what I needed. Making love and experiencing physical intimacy every night is so healing to my mind and spirit. I’ve been holding on to him so close. I want nothing to come between us. Our love is something we’ll commit to and continue to be a strong couple.

Talking to him helped me understand that I’m grieving. Everyone grieves in a different way. You don’t know the situation. They have legit concerns. It may not seem proper or right. Please tell me, is there one right correct way to grieve?

My  husband reminded me not to be too hard on myself. I want to just go out there and do something! I feel guilty for not stepping up or making the world a better place. I could have reached out to a few people who came my way. I regret taking bad advice. There’s an endless list of regrets.

Also, my stepson as always has been a great kid. He was tired and wanted me to lay down next to him while he was napping. I held him till he fell asleep in my arms. I almost lost it and wanted to cry. But, I didn’t want him to get confused or alarmed by his stepmommy being sad. I told him how much I love him and what a wonderful little boy and blessing he’s been in my life. I worry about his future, as an ethnic minority and special needs child.

Those who don’t get this simply don’t understand what it is like to live with a disability, health condition, or be of a different race, or deal with trauma. Even if it is a similar situation to yours, that person is not you. You don’t know them.

I want to stay quiet. I even thought about wanting to disappear into the background and remain invisible among all this chaos till it’s my time to leave this world. This just reveals where I am at the moment.

How to then live? During the week before thanksgiving and this week, I’ve been taking time off to intensely meditate and seek answers. I practiced yoga to unwind and relax the tension in my body. I have an old injury that makes me stiff and in constant pain. Pain medicine and yoga helped. Then, it was time to breathe deeply, cultivate deep awareness, unwind and tune my mind.

I’ll let you know what happens in the next couple of posts. I’ll be back in action soon because I ain’t going anywhere.

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