Grief

It’s one of the toughest emotion for the mind to handle.  Estrangement is perplexing, troubling, and hard to wrap my mind around. I did not want this to happen. No one in their right mind will truly desire strife. Since we live in a fallen world, family strife, rejection, and estrangement is part of the human experience.

The reality of not having a family anymore is hard to digest. I never really did. Now, I literally have no parents. They are out of my life. It is hard to digest and get over. Getting back with them is not an option.

I suppose my grief is what makes me human. Yet, I live in a world where I am expected to live up to the ideals of society. I am tired of playing roles and pretending to have a normal, happy family. I do not have a normal family. Now, I don’t have parents anymore. The rejection and estrangement feels like I have been stabbed.

There are people who don’t understand and quick to judge—especially those without experience of family instability. Judgement is no one else’s position without knowing all the facts. I hate comments like, “No parent would ever want to do that to their own child.” I’m sorry but ask a social worker and they will tell you stories that will contradict ideal notions that sound great but far from reality. Some people are unstable, narcissistic, emotionally immature, and not at all ready for the role of parenting.

Sadly, there has been addiction, narcissism, manipulation, abuse, domestic violence going on in my home as far back as I can remember. I wish I could say that I had a normal life while growing up more than anything else. However , I can no longer lie and live an illusion.

My feelings are frozen. I experience emotions and feel strongly about things. I’m known for being energetic, passionate, loving, strong, bold. Yet, I am also feeling frigid at the moment. The image that comes to my mind is being thrown in a frozen lake. You feel the freezing water. It is so cold that it stabs you. I suddenly feel overwhelmed with all these intense sensations and pain that I can’t process it well.

I am also starting to realize that emotions are not a bad thing. If I didn’t experience anything while this bad situation is occurring, then I’d be a person with no sense of care for my fellow humans.

These aren’t strangers, acquaintances. If an acquaintance didn’t get along with me, it’s not worth a heartbreak. But when your own parents are hurting you, it is very different.

I really don’t want my grief to take over my life.

Initially, I want to stay strong, tough and resist emotions as I was conditioned to. Now I am wondering maybe being strong means being weak in some ways. In some ways, it’s ok to acknowledge your pain, hurts, and anger. I have been wronged and I should rightly feel so. I am facing a painful separation and grief, no matter how complex, is the natural response.

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